They call that thing Vagina

Lyrics from an old tune about vagina were running through my head in the shower this morning…

Some of them are hairy

Some of them are bald

Some are kind of scary

And this is what they’re called….

VAGINA! Vagi-i-i-na.

They call, that thing, Vagina.

I wish I could find that song again, I just have a bad rip from an old Dr. Demento show. That and other favorites like Bang away my Lulu and a pussy classic by Satchmo himself, Louis Armstrong, called cheesecake (“My girl loves cheesecake, she eats it all the time” was SO a euphemism).

But like snowflakes, vaginas are all different. I’m sure penises are too, but I haven’t spent as much time looking at them. Vaginas look different, smell different, and feel different.  Like learning culinary styles, it takes hands on experience to truly appreciate the range of pussy on the planet.

And I’m not talking the obvious things like Asian girls are way to small for my American dick, ’cause it’s not true.  I knew this Thai girl who could rent hers out as a truck stop (and, I suppose, in one sense, she did). I’m talking the more subtle things, like the girlfriend I had who always said my cum smelled like chicken soup — it doesn’t nor does her pussy, but put them together and you get a broth Julia Childs would put on coq-a-vin. (I just wanted to slip the word coq in there).

It’s not just the hair, the tightness or the angle (and, wow, you’d think it just goes straight in, but women’s cervixes are all over the map). It’s not depth or lubrication, it’s how she uses it.  There’s always this awkward bit where you’re fumbling around naked; elbows poking in the wrong places, trying to decide if you like the way she kisses, discovering that she had a padded bra…

But the moment that’s always most different is when you slide in.  We have so much wrapped up in the idea of penetration that, for a moment, everything falls away and it’s just this time dilation (hopeful that’s not all that’s dilating).  She’s ready, or she’s not as ready as you thought… She slams herself against you and you’re in all at once, while she gives you that triumphant look (honestly, I’ve gotten that look a number of times, and it kind of scares me — the are all witches you know). Or, she gets timid and extra submissive. 

I remember a girl with a really pointy pelvis. Depending on her mood, and how she ground back against me, it was either really amazing, or amazingly painful.  Or my girlfriend in college who ran hot and cold — when hot, she’d squeeze me to the last drop of my life, when cold, it was like sliding it into a tunnel of mashed potatoes; warm and soft, but not a lot of friction.

My ex was consistent, which may have been part of the problem in our relationship.  You can only do the same act, in the same way, with the same person, so many times before your mind goes numb, and your dick. May that never happen to you.

Even old pussy can be new pussy, here’s to new pussy.